Marco's Girls
by Michael McDoesn'texist
Summary: In this multi-chaptered story, Marco will critically look at all the girls he has been shipped with in order to decide who is the best girl for him to be with. Rated M for explicit themes and mature absurdity.
1. Star

**After witnessing years upon years of shipping wars within this fandom, I decided to create this story in which I will try to show you all what is truly right for these fictional characters.**

* * *

Marco was in his room, browsing the World Wide Web on his laptop, accompanied by a bowl of nachos, tissues and his iPod. Then suddenly, when he least expected it, without any warning what so ever, out of nowhere and the blue, Star Butterfly broke through the door of his room. Marco screamed and jumped into his karate stance.

"STAR! You made me jump!"

"No time Marco!" Star replied. "I have come here for the sole purpose of saving humanity once again from an ancient evil called: 'the shipping wars'!"

 _ **Ta ta taaaaaaaaaaam**_

Marco raised an eyebrow.

"U wot m8?"

Star sighed. "Alright listen, there's these guys in the real world who can't agree on who is the best girl for you Marco, me or all the other females who you can't get close to before someone draws porn of the two of you on DeviantArt. Probably including my Mom. And yours... But nevertheless, I have come to convince you that I am the best girl for you and have been from the beginning!"

Marco looked at her, scratched his head and said: "Nah, you're probably not though..."

 _ **Ta ta taaaaaaaaaaam**_

Star gasped in shock.

"Marco! How could you say that?"

"Well Star, I just don't feel attracted to you. You really y'know... don't get my gears turning."

"That's a lie." Star said.

"No it's not." Marco retorted.

"Marco your dick has been out this entire time, you got an erection right after I stormed in."

"Correct. I was looking at hardcore Minion-fidget spinner porn."

"Yes, I can see on your laptop. But I'm sure you were not aroused before I came in."

"Lies and deceit."

"Don't bullshit me Marco."

"Why don't you just jump to another dimension where there's another version of me if you love me so much?"

"That doesn't make sense."

"Seems like the writer has written himself into a corner then. Now I have to kill you."

And then Marco pulled out a chainsaw and absolutely destroyed Star right then and there. He then grabbed his dimension jumping scissors and jumped someplace else to visit the other girls. Probably to rape them. Oops, spoilers.

* * *

 **What a fine work of art this has become. More chaptahs on da wae.**


	2. Hekapoo

So now Marco was in another dimension. He was standing on top of a volcano looking down upon a swamp. In this swamp was a house. And in the house was a member of the magic high-counsil. One of the most powerful magic beings in this and/or any other universe. Also someone who could cook a damn good lasagna, I mean that shit is amazing.

Marco smirked and whistled. Within a couple of seconds his dragon motorcycle Nachos arrived.

"¡Buenos dias Nachos! Are you ready to find a chica who I can give 'el dickos'?"

Nachos nodded and turned around for Marco to mount her. Marco raced off at full speed, jumping off a cliff in slow-motion. Thing is, he didn't really think about the cliff on the other side. Which was too far away, resulting in the two of them plummeting to their death. Idiot.

But because magic Marco survived, while Nachos died from a stalagmite puncturing her anus.

* * *

Meanwhile, Hekapoo was in her house, making that succulent lasagna I mentioned earlier. She didn't notice the crash outside, she was wearing her headphones, listening to Slayer.

Suddenly...

 _ ***BANG***_

The door was kicked open. Hekapoo turned around and from the mist, a figure emerged.

"Who's this. Speak up!" She said as she threw her headset off and drew her weapons.

One step.

Another step.

One more step...

"Pizza delivery for you ma'am?" The Pizzaboy said.

Hekapoo jabbed one of her scissors in his eye and stole his pizza, which she then devoured whole.

"Fuck. That was good. Haven't been this hungry for a long time..." she puffed.

"Then you're gonna love THIS!" She heard someone say and she turned around, before being knocked to the ground by Marco's fist.

"OW! YOU DICKHEAD!" She yelped and she jumped to her feet. Immediatly she noticed something was off... I mean usually Marco was pretty pumped to go on a mission, but... dat fucking bulge tho...

"Whaddya want Marco? Everything is fine in every dimension! Nothing we need to do bruv!" She spat.

"I just came here for some one on one time. Yes, THAT kind of one on one time!" Marco simply replied and winked at the reader.

"Wuh?" Hekapoo said.

"Listen H-poo. Star told me about something called the shipping wars. Something about douchy nerds thinking about which girl in our fictional universe is right for me."

"Oh yeah I've heard of that shit. Kinda gay if you ask me." Hekapoo replied.

"Not as gay as THIS!" Marco yelled and with a quick snip-snip of the old scissors he yanked Tom out of his own dimension.

"OI! What the hell?" Tom yelped as his back collided with the ground. He sat right up and looked at Marco, who was standing above him.

"Marcy-moo, what's all this about?" He asked. He turned his head and noticed Hekapoo looking at the scene before her with a confused look.

"Are you the one chick Marco talks about pretty often? Hekacrap? Hekashite?"

"Hekapoo. God I hate my name. And myself right now." Hekapoo sighed. "Marco what's the point of all this? Why is Tom gay all of the sudden?"

"Well, that's pretty simple." Marco said and all of the sudden he pulled out a shotgun and pointed it at Tom's head.

"The bloke has three eyes. And a man's penis is usually refered to as his third leg. Therefore it's kinda like he has a second dick on his forehead out in the open all the time. Miss me with that gay shit!" Marco said and he cocked the gun.

"JESUS CHRIST MARCO!" Hekapoo yelled.

"WAIT MARCO! YOU WOULDN'T SHOOT ME RIGHT? WE'RE FRENEMIES. TO THE END. RIGHT?" Tom pleaded. Marco lowered the weapon.

"You know Tom..." He said softly, whilst a manly tear rolled down his cheek.

"You make a pretty solid point. And for that, I will spare you..."

"Really? Is that the truth?" Tom asked with a trembling voice.

"Lol jks, ur a faggot Tom!" Marco yelled and pulled the trigger without hesitation.

 _WASTED_

After that little thing happened, Marco turned back to Hekapoo, who was somewhat desperately looking around. Then she realised she had magic at her disposal.

"Whatever you want to do, don't do it pal. You know damn well Markapoo is the one true ship in this, or any other universe. It would be foolish to deny that."

"Oh Hekapoo... poor, sweet Hekapoo..." Marco said as he menacingly walked in her direction.

"You forgot it's Michael McDoesn'texist who is writing this story..."

And with that he lunged at Hekapoo. But she was prepared. She sidestepped and watched as Marco flew past her, smashing his face into the wall. She then grabbed for the only weapon within close range...

Marco shook his head and turned around, only to be met with a big tin of red-hot lasagna being thrown into his face. He reacted quickly and opened his mouth wide enough to swallow the entire tin whole, without burning anything at all. Because you can do that.

"Well shit, guess I'll have to kill you another way then." Hekapoo said and she threw a fireball at Marco. But the boi in the red hoodie skillfully dodged the fireball and countered with an ice attack. He hit Hekapoo for 45 damage and applied a freezing effect on her. Wait is this an RPG now? OH LOOK A PUPPY!

Hekapoo decided she had had enough. She ate some doritos which healed her up to full health and then with some help from the Force, she lifted Marco up into the air and held him right there.

"Submit to me Marco. Or die." She yelled.

Marco chuckled.

"Gurl why u always lyin'?" He then pulled out the one thing Hekapoo did not expect him to pull out of his pants. And no it was not his 8 inch long rock-hard POLE!

In his hands, Marco held the royal wand of the Butterfly family. It had turned into a golden rod with a glass ball on top. And it came complete, with an anime cat-girl inside the glass ball.

"How did you get that?" Hekapoo roared.

"I killed Star after she tried to tell me Starco is OTP. I kindly told her I disagreed. With my chainsaw. And then I desecrated her corpse by raping it. **(** **THIS IS NOT FOR KIDS :D)** And then I made nachos. Oh yeah about Nachos, she's dead as well. Happy accident. Also AVADA KEDAVRA!"

And before she knew it, H-poo was hit by a beam of green light.

* * *

 ***white room confession***

* * *

"How the shit did that work bro? That's Harry Potter stuff, not Star vs Evil stuff man." Hekapoo coughed.

Marco looked down on her and placed her arms on her chest. "Just setting the record straight H-poo, nothing personal. Any last words before you go?"

"Just tell Rhombulus... he owes me those ten bucks I won with our yearly game of strip-poker. Fucking bastard's always late on pay..."

And with that, Marco laid another ship to rest.

* * *

The mexican chap stood up and dusted off his clothes. He pulled out a notebook and scrapped two items on his list.

"Tomco. Check. Markapoo. Check. Now I just have a couple more ships to sink before I can be with my one and only true love. BUT FIRST!" Marco unzipped his pants and went to town on the dead body on the floor whilst playing the Danse Macabre at max volume on Hekapoo's exquisite audio set.

* * *

 **A good author never lies to his readers. A good author also writes quality stuff. Thank fuck I do one thing right. People who make it through the entire story get a cookie.**

 **You can fuck off now. Next chapter in an unspecified amount of time.**


	3. Janna

**You know, dearest of readers, this is doing quite well. So fuck it, cookies for everyone who finishes this chapter!**

* * *

Janna was in the school library, reading some books about Satanism and witchcraft and what not. She squinted her eyes and took a great long look at all the devilish images that were in the book, "Hell and all those kinds of trifles for Dummies"

"Jesus. This is some gruesome imagery. Kinda fucking hot."

So she pulled out a pen and jammed it somewhere very pleasant.

"HEY! THAT'S WHERE I'M SUPPOSED TO BE!" She heard someone yell all of the sudden.

She quickly threw the pen over her shoulder, hoping it would hit the person behind her.

"OW! Damnit! Right in the eye!"

Janna finally turned around and saw who was behind her, pulling the pen out of his eye.

"Oh, hey Marco!" She said and her mouth curled into a devilish smile. She got up from her seat and walked over to Marco seductively. She flung her arm over his shoulder and rested her head on his chest.

"You arrived just in time. I was just getting bored. Now..." She slowly let her hand slip inside Marco's hoodie.

"I may not need a pen to relieve myself from boredom... whaddya say pal?" She flashed her whimpers at Marco, who looked down at her stoically.

"I might... there are quite some people who think Manna should be a thing." He replied.

Janna looked up, a bit surprised.

"Manna? What's that supposed to mean?" she asked curiously.

"Does it involve sacrificing small goats?" she gasped enthusiastically.

"No no Janna, you're not thinking in the right direction. You have to think of something far more devastating. Far more evil. Far more cringy." Marco said.

Janna thought for a moment... she was trying to recall any information she might've come across in one of her books. At some point, the answer hit her.

"The shipping wars. Of course!" she said and she smacked her own forehead. "Yeah that is pretty cringy. Can you imagine people heavily shipping fictional characters like that?" she asked Marco.

"What's even worse probably is that there's some jerk-off fan-fic writers who write entire stories about the subject..."

 **HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAAHHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHAHAHAHAJAHAHHAAHAHHHAAHHHAHHAHHAHHAHAHHAHAHAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHAHHAHA** **HA** **HA** **HA** **HA** **HA** **HA** **HA** **HA** **HA** **HA** **HA** **HA** **HA** **HA** **HA** **HA** **HA** **HA** **HA** **HA** **HA** **HA** **HA** **HA** **HA** **HA** **HA** **HA** **HA** **HA** **HA** **HA** **HA** **HA** **HA** **HA** **HA** **HA** **HA** **HA** **HA** **HA** **HA** **HA** **HA** **HA** **HA** **HA** **HA** **HA** **HA** **HA** **HA** **HA** **HA** **HA** **HA** **HA** **HA** **HA** **HA** **HA** **HA** **HA** **HA** **HA** **HA** **HA** **HA** **HA** **HA** **HA** **HA** **HA** **HA** **HA** **HA** **HA** **HA** **HA** **HA** **HA** **HA** **HA** **HA** **HA** **HA** **HA** **HA** **HA** **HA** **HA** **HA** **HA** **HA** **HA** **HA** **HA** **HA** **HA** **HA** **HA** **HA** **HA** **HA** **HA** **HA** **HA** **HA** **HA** **HA** **HA** **HA** **HA** **HA** **HA** **HA** **HA** **HA** **HA** **HA** **HA** **HA** **HA** **HA** **HA** **HA** **HA** **HA** **HA** **HA** **HA** **HA** **HA** **HA** **HA** **HA** **HA** **HA** **HA** **HA** **HA** **HA** **HA** **HA** **HA** **HA** **HA** **HA** **HA** **HA** **HA** **HA** **HA** **HA** **HA** **HA** **HA** **HA** **HA** **HA** **HA** **HA** **HA** **HA** **HA** **HA** **HA** **HA** **HA** **HA** **HA** **HA** **HA** **HA** **HA** **HA** **HA** **HA** **HA** **HA** **HA** **HA** **HA** **HA** **HA** **HA** **HA** **HA** **HA** **HA** **HA** **HA** **HA** **HA** **HA** **HA** **HA** **HA** **HA** **HA** **HA** **HA** **HA** **HA** **HA** **HA** **HA** **HA** **HA** **HA** **HA** **HA** **HA** **HA** **HA** **HA** **HA** **HA** **HA** **HA** **HA** **HA** **HA** **HA** **HA** **HA** **HA** **HA** **HA** **HA** **HA** **HA** **HA** **HA** **HA** **HA** **HA** **HA** **HA** **HA** **HA** **HA** **HA** **HA** **HA** **HA** **HA** **HA** **HA** **HA** **HA** **HA** **HA** **HA** **HA** **HA** **HA** **HA** **HA** **HA** **HA** **HA** **HA** **HA** **HA** **HA** **HA** **HA** **HA** **HA** **HA** **HA** **HA** **HA** **HA** **HA** **HA** **HA** **HA** **HA** **HA** **HA** **HA** **HA** **HA** **HA** **HA** **HA** **HA suck my little Michael Marco...**

"Well at least they aren't as bad as Bronies so..." Marco added.

"Gee whillekers Marco, I sure am sorry for being a dummy. Want me to make it up to you? After all, 'Manna', is as they often call it in fandoms... OTP. Which stands for 'One True Pairing'. The term alone makes me pretty... damn... hot..." Janna said and she curled up to Marco.

"Nah it doesn't." Marco said and he threw Janna off him. She looked at him in shock.

"What? What did you just say? Did you just... REJECT me?" She spat.

"Yeah, kinda." Marco said.

Janna's eyes suddenly turned blood-red.

"You fool..."

The girl grabbed a book from the table and opened it at exactly the right spot. She then sat down on the floor and started chanting. Marco meanwhile had grabbed a bucket of fresh popcorn, ready for the spectacle that was about to unfold before him.

" _I summon a fallen warrior and comrade, a sacred, kind-hearted spirit, that may destroy those who are... eeeeeeeeevil. AND WITH THAT I MEAN YOU MARCO YOU FUCK!_ " Janna said in a demonic voice.

"K" Marco replied.

Suddenly, the ground split open and a large column of smoke came out.

" _Return to the land of the living... my personal spirit of vengeance... my fallen Star..._ " Janna screeched and the column of smoke disappeared, revealing an entity. It was Star Butterfly. Only now in ghost form. **(You can buy a Spirit-Star now in our giftshop for only $ 500. Use the code 'fuckyounomerchforu' at the checkout for % 0,01 off.)**

Star looked around curiously.

"What's going on? Where am I? One minute I'm being doggy-styled by Satan and now I'm in the school library? Is this your doing Janna?" She asked.

Janna's eyes turned back to normal and she chuckled.

"Ha! It worked! Gotta tell Fergusson he owes me five bucks. And yes Star, this was my doing. I summoned you to fight the forces of evil once more!"

Star cocked her head to the side.

"What has Ludo done this time?" she asked.

"No... not Ludo..." Janna replied and she pointed to the other side of the room. Star turned around and saw...

"Hey Star!" Marco said and he waved at his deceased friend.

"YOU!" Star screeched and she pulled a cannon out of her arse which she immediatly threw on the floor.

"Wait what the fu-" Marco started, but by then, Star had grabbed him by the collar and she started pushing him into the cannon.

"You bastard, you tiny little wankstain of a friend, you despicable human being, you jerk, you... you... YOU!" Star yelled as she crammed Marco's fat ass inside the cannon.

"Janna, let's blow this little karate-boi all the way back to Mexico!" She said, blinded with rage.

"Lol sure." Janna said and she grabbed a lighter, which she used to ignite the fuse of the cannon. Star then used her ghost-powers to aim the cannon south.

"FIYA!" Star exclaimed and with a loud BANG! Marco was launched into the sky.

"Well shit." he muttered.

* * *

Later, Janna and Star were having a cup of tea in the library.

"Thanks for the help Star. I was afraid I was kinda in a pickle there." Janna said.

"And thank YOU for the lovely cup of sencha-lemon tea Jannabanana!" Star said with a big smile. "Oh yeah, and for giving me a chance to avenge myself I guess..."

"No problem."

Then, when they least expected it, the ceiling came crashing down on the two of them. Janna only just managed to avoid the rubble, which phased right through Star. Cuz she a ghost now. Yay.

With the ceiling, a green bolt of energy fell into the library on top of the rubble. When the smoke cleared, Star and Janna saw who had destroyed the library. It was Marco. In a ghostbusters outfit.

"Git gud girls!" He said and he pulled out the magic wand. "Did y'all forget I had this?"

Star gasped. "That's MINE!" she yelled and she dashed over to Marco. But not fast enough. Marco activated the wand and with an energy beam, he completely obliterated Star again.

"Hm. What a shame. I always wondered how it would be to have intercourse with a ghost..." He murmured. Then, he turned to Janna, who was stuck in a corner. She looked around desperately for one of her books. She quickly grabbed a nearby copy of "Summoning demons in case of rapists. Volume 1" and she ran through the book quickly while Marco walked over to her. Slowly and menacing.

"Stand back!" Janna yelled when she finally found the page she was looking for. "Or I will summon Yalung, the demon with a thousand dicks to destroy you!"

"No you're not!" Marco said and with a flick of the wand, the book flew out of Janna's hands.

"Oh fuck... oh shit..." Janna said.

Marco stopped right in front of her and aimed the wand at her.

"Time to sink another ship..." Marco said.

 _Da ting went skkkkrrrraaa, papakakaka Skivipipopop and a poopooturrrboom Skrra, tutukukututoom, poompoom_

* * *

So Janna was kinda dead and Marco scrapped another item of his list.

"Manna's done for. I am getting so close..." He whispered as he slowly walked outside. He opened the door and stepped outside. Marco took a deep breath.

"I am coming for you, my one, my love, my dearest." And so our... well... 'hero'...? walked to his next victim.

But then he turned around and ran back into the library. "Fuck, almost forgot the most important part!" He said and did his thing. After THAT, he went looking for his next victim.

* * *

 **Maybe a bit early, but who thinks they know the answer? Who is the one girl for Marco? Which ship will sail on, leaving the others behind?**

 **Oh yeah the cookies... *hands out cookies* There ya go. Now begone. I must meditate.**


	4. Kelly

**HDJDDDDBL WUH-WHAT? Oh, yeah, meditation got a bit out of hand. Where did my yogi go?**

* * *

Marco leaped out of the portal and landed right in the middle of Quest Buy (the one with the big parking lot). According to the magic wand, which he could also use as a compass/radar/thingamajigtofindpeople, his next victim would be right here.

"Seems like Kelly is somewhere around here..." Marco said to nobody in particular.

"And you'd be correct!" Someone behind him said.

Marco turned around before receiving his daily dose of southern hospitality. He was flung into one of the stalls. One of the staff members came walking by, looked at the damage and then just said: "Kill me I'm depressed."

He then left the story, but you'll be happy to know things turned around for him. He met the girl of his dreams, got married, became a proud father of two and peacefully died of old age in his sleep. Isn't that nice?

Marco turned around and saw Kelly on the spot, weilding her huge ass sword as if it were made of plastic. What he didn't expect was the person next to her.

"What's the ginger doing here?" He asked.

Higgs spat on the floor and pulled out a morning star.

"The ginger is gonna help out Kelly. We've heard all about your terrible actions Marco." She said.

"Janna texted us saying she beat you. But when I texted her back later she never replied and I took that as a hint that I should take action. Therefore I hid in Quest Buy, where you'd have trouble finding me, raising my odds of..."

"BORING!" Marco yelled and he lunged at Kelly. She quickly reacted and with a swift sweep of her sword, she sliced Marco in half.

" _Wow!_ Impressive reflexes you've got there Kelly." Higgs said.

"Thanks!" Kelly said and she did the anime-girl thing with her fingers over her eye. Y'know that one gesture? Does it have a name? Don't answer that I don't care. #distractions

Kelly and Higgs walked down the isle and sat down at a café to order a cup of coffee. But what they didn't realise was that the Elder Gods were watching them all this time. And unbeknownst to Kelly and Higgs, they knew that if Marco failed to end the shipping wars, it would mean the destruction of our world as we know it!

The Elder Gods came down to Earth, accompanied by bells, shining white light and tacos. Kelly and Higgs saw them.

"Holy shit..."

"What the hell is that?"

"I don't know... but it's going towards..."

"Uh oh..."

The two of them got up and ran over to the place where they had just killed Marco, weapons at the ready. The two seperate halves of Marco's body were still there and the Elder Gods slowly descended towards them. The light became less bright, the bells stopped ringing and all the tacos were consumed by Fat Bob, who usually did that when the Elder Gods came to Earth. It's kind of his thing.

"Oh my gods..." Kelly said.

"Are they...?"

"They are!" Higgs said. A cloud of smoke appeared for the Elder Gods to dramatically step out of.

All four of them.

The most sacred of all people.

The best of the best in awesomeness in our universe.

Our saviours on this planet.

Out of the cloud walked: _Deadpool, Morgan Freeman, Jason Voorhees and Arnold Schwarzenegger._

Kelly and Higgs both fell on their knees.

But they were completely ignored.

Instead, the Elder Gods walked over to what was left of Marco. Deadpool gave one of the halves a kick and chuckled.

"Gee guys, I didn't know shashimi was on the menu today!" He said to himself.

" _D'aw man, I hoped we could get some pizza this time!_ "

 **"This is why I always suggest we become our own boss. Structure is important for everyone."**

"Remember what we came here for Deadpool." Arnold said. "The Blood Moon had already predicted these events. We must do what we can to help the outcome..."

Kelly looked up.

"Wait? The Blood Moon? The moon that appears every 667 years to bind two souls for eternity? The moon that bonded Star and Marco to eachother?"

" _The one and only_ " Deadpool said.

"What does that have to do with anything?" Higgs asked.

Then, Morgan Freeman stepped forward and with the Voice of all voices, he explained:

"The Blood Moon is there to bind two souls together for eternity, you got that right. However, to do that, a huge sacrifice must be made in return for that bond. Usually in the form of natural disasters, but some other events can occur too. The last Blood Moon, which appeared in 1348, bonded a medieval prince with the girl of his dreams. At the cost of other people's lives of course. 'Tis the way of all things."

Once Kelly and Higgs recovered from the plethora of beauty that was Morgan Freeman's voice, they asked:

"So... what event happened then? Like... Titanic or something?"

"9/11?"

"Chernobyl?"

"World War 2" Arnold answered.

"WHAT?!" Higgs said in disbelief.

"Hey, we don't make the rules!" Arnold said and threw his arms up in the air.

"Point is, Star and Marco were bound together, now y'all gotta die." Morgan said and with a flick of his fingers, Marco's body parts were glued back together and he was immediatly revived. He sat up and saw the four Elder Gods of Awesomeness in front of him.

"Gee, thanks guys." He said and he got to his feet. "I needed that."

"WOW WOW WOW WAIT!" Higgs yelled and she stepped forward.

"This is just plain bollocks! If you're gods, why don't you do anything to prevent this from happening?"

"Now come on young lady, don't you talk back to us." Arnold said.

"FUCK OFF! I WILL NOT STAND HERE AND ALLOW YOU TO LET MARCO DESTROY US BECAUSE THAT WILL END THE SHIPPING WARS WHICH IN RETURN MAKES THE BLOOD MOON HAPPY! NEVER!"

"Jason, if you would please." Morgan Freeman said.

"Come on then Big Boy! Think you're so cool with your hockey mask? Let's see you fight a real squire then!" Higgs said as Jason Voorhees stepped in front of her. She drew her morning star and yelled: "BRING IT! FIGHT ME YOU CO-"

She couldn't really end that sentence because Jason simply grabbed her head and her legs and folded her into a paper plane, which he then threw in a nearby fireplace. (It was on sale for the low, low price of 19,99)

With that out of the way, the Elder Gods left because they were now bored, leaving Marco and Kelly alone in Quest Buy.

"Now Kelly, I have to say..." Marco started as he pulled out the royal magic wand. "Out of all of these ships, Kellco is very probable right now. At least more probable then 'Miggs'. However, it's far from OTP. AND YOU KNOW WHAT THAT MEANS :D!"

He ran at Kelly, who only just managed to dodge him, and she slashed at him with her sword. Marco recieved a small cut on his cheek.

"Ow, hey!" He yelled, somewhat insulted.

Kelly's eyes meanwhile flashed from side to side, looking for something, for anything, to aid her. Then, she figured: "Hang on! The weapons department!"

Sure it would be dangerous for her to lure Marco there as it would give him more fighting options, but then again, she would also get more weapons to work with. She would be able to rely on her agility and her superior fighting skills. She might even be able to win. She might be able to stop this madness. **I mean, she wont be able to stop me, but...**

She made a run for it. Kelly dived into the elevator and mashed the button of the 36th floor. The door closed just in time. Marco smashed face-first into the glass doors and bounced back onto the floor. He sat up quickly to see Kelly wave at him before the elevator shot up to the 36th floor.

"Not so fast you..." Marco said and he summoned Cloudy.

"Oh hey Marco! Good to see you!" He happily exclaimed.

"Heya Cloudy, no time to chat, we gotta get going. AWAY!" Marco said and he jumped on top of the cloud. He then used the wand to open the glass doors and he went straight after the elevator. Kelly knew Marco was close behind her, leaving her with less time to prepare once she reached the 36th floor. The elevator came to an abrupt stop and Kelly jumped out as soon as possible. She looked around and saw something that would be useful. The elevator left and Marco immediatly shot up. He immediatly saw Kelly standing in front of him, with a cheeky grin on her face. He broke the glass doors and prepared to attack, before being hit with a blast of something ice-cold. Kelly had grabbed a nearby fire extinguisher and almost froze Marco to an ice cube.

"D-d-damnit Kelly... that's just rude...!" Marco snapped.

"Oh, I'm sorry, I didn't mean to hit you with that hon." Kelly said. "Just your cloudy friend!"

Marco looked down and saw that Cloudy was completely frozen. And thus, unable to keep him in the air.

"Well darn." Marco said before he and Cloudy fell down 36 floors.

* * *

Marco slowly woke up with an enormous headache.

"Fuck. Took quite a fall there..." He muttered.

"M-m-mar-c-c-cooo..." He heard someone mutter.

Marco got up and noticed that Cloudy had shattered into a million frozen pieces.

"Oh my god, Cloudy!" He said and he tried to gather some of the pieces.

"I-i-its no... use... Marco..." Cloudy muttered dramatically.

"C'mon buddy, you've been very useful this one time I've summoned you, don't you die on me now!" Marco yelled.

"J-just... know... Marco..." Cloudy said.

"*cough* I... love... you... Marco..." He said.

"Oh shut up, before people start shipping us as well..." Marco said and then he walked off. "Guess I need to take the stairs to the 36th floor..."

* * *

After approximately a thousand steps and 46 bottles of energy drink, Marco reached the 36th floor. He took some time to catch his breath before he walked to the big, heavy door and pushed it open. He skillfully dodged a poisoned harpoon that was fired in his direction as soon as he stuck his head inside. He then carefully looked into the room.

Kelly had set up an entire obstacle course for him to run over, including huge blades, fire, lava seas, deadly dinosaurs, machine guns, throwing knives and a horde of flesh-eating zombies. Kelly herself was sitting on a throne on the other side of the room.

"Wow. You really took your time didn't you?" She said.

"Yeah, y'know. Stairs..." Marco said.

"Give it up Marco!" Kelly said and she rose from her seat.

"It was obvious from the start. Kellco is, and has always been OTP. The sooner everybody accepts that, the better. The others don't deserve you. I CONGRATULATED YOU ON YOUR BIRTHDAY! If that doesn't settle it, then I do not know what will, honestly."

Marco sighed. "I'm sorry Kelly. But you're lying. There is another one... another girl who is perfect for me. From the first season of the show until now. Nothing is gonna change that. But before I can be with her, I must sink all the other popular ships first. So you must now DIE!"

And with that said, Marco sprinted through the obstacle course. _Which is a perfect time for an advertisement from our sponsors!_

* * *

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* * *

"Wow... that was... impressive..." Kelly said.

Marco stopped to catch his breath. "Yeah, you didn't go easy on me Kelly..."

"And I won't go easy on you now!" She said and she leaped out of her throne.

She drew her sword and took a swing at Marco. He dodged her attack and got into his karate stance. He ran towards her and hit her with an up-up-low-kick combo, dealing 18% damage. Kelly retaliated with an overhead sword-swing. She pinned Marco to the floor and took that opportunity to kick him in the back of the head, before removing the sword. Marco got up and jumped out of the way, evading Kelly's punch. He threw a couple of shurikens towards her, but he missed and Kelly instead threw a spear at Marco. The spear slashed Marco's shoulder, leaving him with a serious flesh-wound. The sight of his own blood enraged Marco and with a roar, he lunged at Kelly. He blocked her high kick and engaged his special attack. He smacked Kelly in her face with his elbow and gave her a knee in her chest, shattering her entire rib-cage. He followed that up by sweeping her off her feet and jumping on top of her, snapping her spine in half. He then finished it off with a karate-chop in her neck, for a total of over nine-thousaaaaand% damage.

* * *

*cough* "Fuck me..." Kelly said.

"You fought well Kelly, I'll give you that." Marco said as he stepped away from her.

Kelly chuckled. "Are you gonna do to me what you did to the others as well Marco? As the horrible monster that you are?"

"No. I won't." Marco said. "Again, you fought well, least I can do is give you some peace in death."

Kelly spat in front of his feet. "I sure fucking hope this pain and suffering was good enough to please your demented mind Marco."

"This is not just for me Kelly. For the good of all. Shipping wars can ruin a good fandom. Trust me when I say that."

"AHAHAHAHAHAHA! TRUST! THAT'S A GOOD ONE!" Kelly said before she drew her last breath.

* * *

Marco sighed. He pulled out his notebook and he scrapped two ships.

"Miggs. Done. Kellco. I'm sorry Kelly. We might've made a good couple. But good isn't enough. Done." He whispered to himself. A tear formed in his eye.

It wasn't just a tear of sadness...

It was also a tear of... a weird sense of happiness.

"I'm almost there my love. Finally, it will be just the two of us. And no ship will stand in our way. I promise you that." He said.

* * *

 **For those of you wondering why you are still reading this...**

 **uhm...**

 **Anyway, final chapter (and more cookies) up next. Spread the word. Make sure the entire fandom knows which ship is supreme in the end. Also, someone call Daron Nefcy to tell her the results. Bitch already blocked me on her phone and on every social media platform. If I want to avoid a restraining order, I need some of you people to tell her for me.**

 **But first, I'm gonna practise my French. If you'll excuse me.**


	5. Jackie

**Well, French was boring, so I decided to watch the most recent episodes of the show. I did appreciate the finale overall, especially after the somewhat lackluster 3rd season. The choice to cast Bill Murray as the one fire-breathing, lesbian-devouring dragon was a bit bold, but it worked. I also thought it was about time Tom, Star and Marco had that '** ** _ménage à trois_** **'. Been sayin' that since season one. There has also been another thing I have been saying since season one. That's what you are here for right?**

 **Without further ado, the end of the shipping wars that have torn this fandom apart. Who is the one girl for Marco Ubaldo "dank memes" Diaz? Drum roll please!**

* * *

Marco stepped out of the portal and onto the street. It was raining heavily in Echo Creek. Within seconds, Marco was completely soaked. But he didn't really notice. His mind was set on one thing... he was so concentrated that he didn't even notice the giant mutated elephant that was destroying the school and eating the students.

Marco kept walking in one direction. Then he took a left and now he was walking in another direction. Boy, isn't this exciting?

Then, he finally saw it. The house.

And in the house was the one he was looking for.

Marco walked over the streets. He stepped onto the sidewalk. Through the front yard.

Now he was at the front door. The rain was still falling heavily. Thundered boomed and lightning struck behind him.

But Marco didn't even notice.

He raised his hand and loudly exclaimed: "SIEG H-

* * *

 **Fatal error, rebooting story**

* * *

He raised his hand, clenched it into a fist and knocked once.

Twice.

A third time.

His knuckles started to hurt.

"I know it's you Marco." He heard someone say behind the door.

That voice.

"Can you promise me we can talk first?" the voice calmly asked.

Marco opened his mouth, but then closed it again. He thought about it for a minute.

"I promise. Please let me in Jackie. I'm cold."

He heard multiple locks unlock. The door slowly opened and in the doorway was Jackie Lynn Thomas.

Every time Marco saw her, he felt right. Just right.

Though Jackie was smiling at him, her face was still very serious. Her eyes were locked onto his face. It almost felt like she was looking through Marco.

"Come on in then. Don't want you to fall ill." She said and stepped aside.

Marco walked into the house. It was warm, in a pleasant, cosy way. It also smelled very good. If he knew any better, he would've said it smelled like cookies.

"Have a seat Marco." Jackie said and pat on the couch. Marco listened to what she said.

They both just, looked at eachother for a while.

"So..." Jackie started with a sigh.

"You... have been kinda busy I've heard..."

Marco nodded.

"I heard that you were trying to put an end to the Shipping Wars. By killing and raping most girls that have been shipped with you in the past.

And now I'm the only one left..." that last part was merely a whisper.

"Marco. Does... that mean that..."

"You're not it!" Marco blurted out.

Jackie raised her eyebrow.

"What?"

"You're not the one and only for me. 'Jarco' is not OTP." Marco said.

"But... why?" Jackie asked.

"I dunno, lol." Marco said and he whipped out the royal magic wand.

"PREPARE YOUR ANUS!" Marco yelled and he prepared to attack when suddenly someone behind him shouted:

"STOP! HOLD IT RIGHT THERE MR. DIAZ!" Marco turned around to be greated by my home-girl.

"Oh hi Queen Eclipsa! How you doing?" Marco asked.

"Wait, who are you? How the fuck did you get in my house?" Jackie stammered.

Eclipsa ignored Jackie and opened a rift with a fresh pair of dimensional scissors.

"I found him!" She yelled and out came Moon, Glossaryck and the Magic High Counsil (excluding Hekapoo, of course of course).

"You MONSTER!" Moon yelled and she immediatly grabbed Marco and threw him against the wall.

"Ouch... I guess I kinda deserved that..." Marco said. Before he could get up, Rhombulus crystalized his legs, disabling his movement.

"There. Now you can do to him what you want m'lady." Glossaryck said.

"Oh! Oh! Moon dear, can I go first? I haven't practised my dark magic spells in a while! I have some things that might be enjoyable." Eclipsa said enthusiastically.

"Whatever Eclipsa. Just none of the kinky MewmanxMonster shite I found in your chapter of the magic spellbook." Moon replied.

"Dang it..." Eclipsa said, pulled up her dress and teared the huge, throbbing strap-on she was wearing off.

"Just make it very painful. I want him to suffer for what he did to my only daughter..." Moon growled.

"And one of our most respected members!" Omnitraxus said.

"And all those innocent girls!" Jackie said.

Everybody, including Marco turned their head towards her.

"What are you still doing here?" Glossaryck asked.

"Well... y'know... I thought I was the final girl... and the chapter's named after me so..."

And then Rhombulus destroyed her asshole before feeding her to the squirels in the park.

"Hey, that's what I'm supposed to do!" Marco said, before being smacked in the face by Eclipsa. Yes. Smacked. With the strap-on.

"Marco Ubaldo 'dank memes' Diaz, you are hereby found guilty of multiple deaths, multiple rapes and theft of royal property. What say you in your defence?" Omnitraxus belowed.

Marco thought for a second and said: "The aristocrats."

Eclipsa burst out laughing.

"What. The. FUCK! Is so funny?" Moon said whilst biting her underlip.

"Oh dear, I'm terribly sorry, I thought it was funny. Can't I just keep him?" Eclipsa asked while wiping tears of her face.

"NO!" Everybody yelled in unision.

"Alright fine. Buzzkills..." Eclipsa said.

She then turned back to Marco.

"Any last words before we put you through hell on earth dear?" She asked with a sweet smile.

"Yes. Yes I do." Marco said.

He coughed, cleared his voice and then stated: "Ladies and gentlemen. I would very much like to apoligise for my actions. Of course you will not accept my apology, but I knew I did it for the greater good. I hope that one day, you may understand that it is crucial that I must be with the one perfect girl for me."

"Fuck you." Rhombulus said.

"Ok then." Marco said.

"Let's see. Star. Tom. Hekapoo. Janna. Higgs. Kelly. That's a killstreak of six. I guess it'll have to do then."

So Marco played his Precision Airstrike and wiped half of Echo Creek off the globe, along with his assaulters.

Once the smoke cleared, the crystal around Marco's legs had disappeared. Probably because Rhombulus was fucking dead. Along with Omnitraxus, Moon and Eclipsa. The only ones left were him and...

"Glossaryck? You're still alive?" Marco asked.

Glossaryck was buried under a pile of rubble. He threw some pebbles off him and coughed.

"Jesus Marco. You pretty much killed an entire Butterfly generation. Which means I can finally retire!"

He ripped off his robes, revealing a hawaian themed t-shirt. He then grabbed a suitcase and some sunglasses before opening a portal.

"Well, it was nice knowing you Marco! May the Force be with you!" And then he jumped through the portal, never to be seen or heard from again.

But Marco did not care. It was done. It was finally over. The Shipping Wars were officially a thing of the past. He got up and tried to rub some dirt and dust off his hoodie. He had to look somewhat decent for his one true love.

* * *

Marco arrived home. As he walked up to the front door he realised he was kinda hungry and thirsty. These last few hours had been tiring. But it could wait. He opened the door and went inside. His parents weren't home.

Good.

He could be alone.

As Marco slowly walked up the stairs, memories flashed through his mind. Memories of the sins he commited. Star and the chainsaw. Tom who barely knew what was going on. Hekapoo and her amazing lasagna. Janna and her weird demon crap. Higgs who was demolished by higher entities. Kelly and her final stand. Jackie who didn't suffer that much. Hopefully...

He started singing to himself...

" _Give my_ _love to a shooting star_

 _but she moves so fast_

 _that I can't keep up_

 _I'm chasing_ "

He reached the second floor and walked to the door of his bedroom.

" _I'm in love with a shooting star_

 _but she moves so fast_

 _when she falls then_

 _I'll be waiting_ "

He opened the door and sat down on his bed. He reached for the small desk next to his bed and opened it.

He kept humming the song as he pulled out a pictureframe.

A tear started forming in his eye.

"Finally...

It's just us now..." He smiled.

He pressed a soft kiss against the picture.

"Just you and me... my dear... my love..."

Marco laid down on his head.

"My dearest...

Princess Turdina..."

* * *

 _ **The End**_

* * *

 **Fun fact, this is how I met my girlfriend.**

 **So there you have it. Of course this was obvious. Everybody should know that MarcoxTurdina is OTP. Yet still, the violent Shipping Wars went on and on. I hope I have enlighted some people with this deep, emotional masterpiece. Again, spread the word. Call Daron Nefcy. Scream it off the rooftops! Now, here are your cookies!**

* * *

 **On a serious note, I do wish to express my sincere gratitude to the people who have read this entire story through. I enjoyed writing it and hopefully it got a few laughs out of you. If you are a weirdo like me and you want to see more of this stuff, don't you worry, I'm not done yet in the Star vs. Evil category. Who knows, maybe I'll try my hand at something more serious...**

 **Small update 16/04/2018: well damn, we hit 3,000 views. That's an achievement in my book. Cheers chaps and chapettes!**


End file.
